I know my truth, it's called the easy road

If you follow my blog or get in even the occasional read, this is a MAJOR extension of 57 lbs and the truth.

Tonight my coach (yes, even coaches have coaches) told me to be genuinely me. This spiraled a conversation that spiraled a thought process... and here we go:

I remember the time I learned to start hating my body. I learned to hate the way I looked, how much I weighed and how different I was from the other kids (friends or not.) I was in 5th grade! Yep, 5th grade... age 10!! It wasn't because anybody called me fat, it wasn't because my parents didn't love me enough and the truth is I couldn't tell you what the reason was. There is a picture (I still have it today) of my family and some of my friends at a beach summer of 1993. There are actually a number of photos from this particular day, we are laughing, splashing water and having a blast. But one picture stands out so much I can give you every detail without looking at it. I'm in my bathing suit and all you can see are HIPS!! I've always had big, fatty, stick out from the rest of my body hips. Got them the day I was born, it's just me. It's just the way I was designed. Nobody's fault. I've always hated these hips, it's why I learned to love t-shirts and jeans because they could be baggy and they didn't have to conform to your shape.

I went through middle school and high school always paranoid about those hips. In winter guard 8th grade we had to wear stretch pants and jean vests... form fitting bottoms with a short top, guess what you got to see when you looked at me... HIPS. 

9th grade I had a boyfriend who was a senior who took me to Prom..slim fitting dress and I'm really not a terribly big person, all I can see in the pictures...HIPS. 

12th grade I was Head Drum Major for marching band. We did Quidam that year from Cirque Du Soleil and I had to wear a red dress... a beautiful, form fitting, sexy-ish red dress. All I see, you guessed it HIPS. They followed me!!!

Once these consuming thoughts took over me in the 5th grade, I started gaining weight. I don't know how I did it, but I did. By 7th grade I was a 7/8, by high school i was a 9/10 and I hung out there for several years. Keep in mind that none of these seemed overly terrible until I tapped out at 5'3" at the end of 7th grade. I was an active young woman. I played sports, I was in every club imaginable so I was always on the go... when I was younger my family never ate out by the time I hit high school I'm pretty sure that was 50% of my meals because of how busy I was and both of my parents worked so schedules were CRAZY!!

Let's move on to college. I started to dress like an "old lady" unless I was feeling particularly brave and wore something that belonged to a roommate that would bring my age back down. By the time the last few years of high school had come i really started to feel negative about my entire body image. My hips were huge, my butt was long and flat and made my hips look worse, my boobs were bigger than most (not all) others and I definitely did not have a flat stomach or thin legs. It didn't stop me from being an energetic, outgoing and off the wall kind of girl!!! It did however plant a seed of comparison to others that would grow and grow and grow and still cause me troubles to this day. There could be a number of reasons why I learned to become so critical of myself, but the bottom line is that is how I became and it turned into that comparison. 

I met my husband Adam the summer between freshman and sophomore year of college. I had another boyfriend when I met Adam, but that's another story. When I met him, we wore the same uniform (different sizes of course.) We worked at Cedar Point. Everybody looks not good, but not so bad in the then blue/red polos and blue shorts. Didn't matter what I looked like at work, the clothes were odd enough to make me match the others. That summer there were trips to Kelly's Island and Put In Bay, days in the park and there could have been days in soak city. For 1 of these trips, just 1 I had a bathing suit under my clothes, pretty sure no one ever saw me in it. Bathing suit? I. DO. NOT. THINK. SO!!! I was the girl wearing a sweatshirt in the dead heat of summer. By now, all I saw was a fat girl. I worked a lot (especially that summer woo) and I went to school. I still had extra curriculars but I did not do a single thing to take care of myself. Everything I ate came from a can, a cafeteria or a drive thru.

 I moved into a house my 3rd year of college with 2 of the best women I will ever know and I got a little better about eating, but by now I was a size 12 and sometimes 14. Then Adam moved to Michigan and we moved in together. Boy did I get comfortable... and L.A.Z.Y. Grades dropped (I went through some stuff medically, that didn't exactly help), had some let's call them "work troubles" and everything seemed to go down from there.  I was holding steady in size but my self confidence diminished, my outgoing-ness started to sputter out... and yet my Adam still saw nothing but goodness, loveliness and whatever else (haha) because he married me. And even when we took our honeymoon in Florida, I was the girl wearing jeans and a sweatshirt not just because it was chilly.

Now do not get me wrong, there are so many great moments and great memories in all of these years. I have always had support and family and friends who love me. So if you are a person who is feeling like you didn't matter, didn't bring joy to my life or like this is your fault then you need to STOP RIGHT THERE. This story isn't about those great moments and memories that have given me strength and character, this is the story of the struggles and the behind the scenes of Jenni.

Ok, so we got married and I graduated from college. Went and got this fancy degree but I was working for McDonalds at the time (just working a few days a week for some side money.) I was quickly asked to move into management and the opportunities just kept opening for me and the money I needed was coming in... good money, good benefits and I knew how to do the job so I stuck with it. Stuck with it for almost 10 years... but I digress.... 

Adam and I were married a few years and I was done with school and I wanted kids. He wasn't super keen on the idea of it being so soon, but we talked it out and his feelings changed. Well, low and behold months and months later we can't have kids. We went through fertility treatments and a whole lot of what felt like torture and so we looked into adoption. The whole process was incredibly overwhelming and we felt like it wasn't the time in our lives to be taking it on. So, it all goes to the back burner (sort of.) Because I never stopped thinking about how I couldn't have kids but others could. What did I do wrong? Why am I getting the unfair deal? I went to a very dark place in how I thought about others, especially teenage parents and other unplanned pregnancies. I came out of that dark place, I still didn't think anything was fair but I prayed every day and the darkness was lighter. Well, I won't go into the story of how when and why I found out but in July of 2009 I found out I was pregnant...woohoo!! Greatest blessing of my life!!!!!

I had an incredibly easy pregnancy. No troubles, only gained 11 pounds and I didn't know I was pregnant until almost the 2nd trimester so I didn't have as much time to freak out about anything going wrong. What wasn't easy was how I saw myself. I never once thought I looked pregnant. I looked like the same short, fat girl who had a round a jiggly belly for years. Nothing about my body was cute like a pregnant woman should have. I never got the hard belly that people feel, it was always jiggly. The day I gave birth to my beautiful Lily I weighed 180 lbs!!!

I breastfed Lily after she was born for almost a year, I was hungry ALL the time and thought the weight was just supposed to melt off because I was breastfeeding. UM, Nope!! I was taking care of my baby and I was working, but that's all I was doing. I learned eating out was the easiest thing in the world and there wasn't time for doing anything for myself... if I found time, it was sleep time. Not too long after Lily was born, she was getting a check up and the dr noticed some clicking sounds.. I look down and there they are..... the HIPS. I cried for days, I cried harder and hated myself when we had to go have x-rays of her hips done. How could this be happening to this sweet girl?! She got those dreaded this is how my body is designed hips. Eventually, they went away for her. Now, it's not to say that they won't be back because it is after all in her genes but recently I realized that those hips are not the problem. She may get them back and look at them and never see what I saw. 

Lily was almost years old the first time I really decided to do anything about my weight. I took up running and I joined weight watchers. Now, when I started I had made it up to almost 190 lbs. I got the point where I wouldn't wear shorts because I was so ashamed. I lost 16 lbs in 2 weeks doing this.. well awesomeI thought, now I can work a little less and just get smaller results right!?! So, I ran less and counted points sporadically and guess what happened?? You know I put every single pound back on. I got a new job working at Speedway because I was beyond done with McDonalds and was getting to another dark place. Then we moved out of our house and a series of events just sent me into another spiral. I went from a size 12 and sometimes 14 up to an 18! I joined a gym, went a few times got lazy. I tried diet pills, couldn't remember to take them and felt weird anyway. I tried slim fast, ewww gross. I tried ItWorks... it didn't. I tried lotions, I tried creams, I tried weight watchers again...it didn't stick, it didn't help... nothing helped. 

I learned about a weight loss shake, $50 a month but you use it as 2 of your meals and then just eat a ton of protein and don't have to change anything else thank you Visalus. NOPE!!! It tasted alright, after I filled it with sugars and other processed items and still didn't help. You know what, I was done. I got frustrated!!! So, I joined a gym.. again. I promise I'll commit this time because my sister in law is getting married. Went for 2 months, no it's too far away and I work too much. Stopped going (still had to pay for it.) Time went by and Adam joins the gym. Well, if he joins it then I'll go too. Lasted 1 month this time (yep, still had to pay for it.)

So here I was, 32 years old with an amazing little girl and worlds greatest family and friends. A job that I wasn't crazy about, but I was the boss and had worked hard for it. And I was miserable!!! If I sat on the couch all I could see were stomach rolls, if I saw a picture those HIPs.. those stomach rolls...and those chins. I was a size 18 and 196 lbs at 5'3". I was tired every waking moment of my life. I hated to go anywhere because then I would have to put on clothes that never looked good on me, never fit comfortably and if we went out to eat I knew I would order so much food people would be grossed out by me. I bet no one on the planet besides Adam up to the point of reading this had any idea how bad it was for me inside of myself.

What I did like to do was scroll through Facebook, I have always had a great time doing that.. I'm like an original face booker :) I saw a girl from high school who was always posting something super positive. She set up these free groups called challenge groups and would have a quick daily exercise. I joined them, I participated for the first few days.. then I forgot or I didn't care or it was too hard. Adam had a cousin who was doing the same kind of free challenge thing and the same thing happened. Then the girl from high school starts talking about nutrition. So she is so positive every day and says how great she feels from working out and eating right... I have to find out what is happening. At this point I reach out to her and we start to talk about healthy eating and she asks me about working out. I live in a  third floor apartment and I'm a big girl. After discussion she tells me about how they have challenge packs so you can get a fitness program and shakeology together at a great deal. It sounds awesome to me, but i'm nervous to find out the cost. I'm praying it is going to be super cheap and affordable (for crying out loud I got mad at Adam for the $50 Visalus.) She tells me the price and I think I want to die. How on earth can people afford this sort of thing?? She tells me how in coming months I could get it for a little less. Oh my goodness, how can I possibly justify this to Adam?!!?! Well, we talk more about these products and low and behold I learn about Shakeology. We decided the right program for me is PiYo. It's high intensity but low impact, perfect for not being able to jump around in a third floor apartment. I talk to Adam about it, you know having to convince him that unlike the other 3 gym memberships, weight loss shakes and diet pills this will work and I won't waste another let's round it off to $900. He tells me to go for it (he always does, somehow he has never managed to not support me and push me to do whatever I want) and so I decided to order the PiYo/Shakeology challenge pack with vanilla Shakeology that way he can try it out too. It's a lot of money, but I am going to make it work because I need this for me. So I got my challenge pack and I joined a challenge group. I check out PiYo, it's a good workout. Tough as you want it but as easy as you need it to be. I'm checking into my challenge group and I'm trying out different ways to drink Vanilla Shakeology. Less than a week into it.. I just can't do the vanilla shakeology. Without adding stuff it shouldn't have i think it is disgusting. Well, I'm not drinking the Shakeology, why should I check in with the challenge group but I will keep doing the workouts. A little more time goes by and there goes those HIPS. Now, something I didn't mention before when telling you about the hips is that  my hips fall out of socket frequently. I get fluid around them a lot and they cause me a lot of pain. So, here we go I'm in pain. I end up needing cortisone shots again and I can't do any kind of exercise. 

Well, that failed. But my Shakeology is on auto order. Ok maybe another flavor will serve me well and I will try again. So I switch to Strawberry because even though he hasn't tried the vanilla, maybe Adam would enjoy the strawberry with me (always trying to justify.) Ummm. the strawberry tastes ok, but I just can't bring myself to drink it every day. I quit everything by now. 

Then one day, my coach reaches out to me. She hasn't given up on me. She believes in what she is doing with the fitness and the nutrition and something else might work better for me. I'll give anything a try, I am holding steady at size 18 and 196 lbs. She tells me about 21 day fix. This is a workout program AND it teaches you more about nutrition so Shakeology isn't the only good food in your system. This sounds AMAZING. And I get to join a new challenge group!. I'm on board!

I can't explain it in a just way, but this was it for me. This was my turning point. I got the 21 day fix program, I planned out my meals using my containers, I changed the Shakeology to chocolate and fell in love (just had to find my flavor) and the workouts, OMG!! I felt like when I turned on those dvd's Autumn was talking to me and rooting for me. The workouts were more challenging than PiYo, but they were shorter and they were different every day. I was having fun with the workouts, I was enjoying my Shakeology and so I enjoyed checking in with the challenge group I was in. I started having energy again and for the first time every I was working out every day and not dreading it. This fueled me!!! I lost 20 lbs on my first round of 21 day fix!! 

For the first time that I can ever really remember, I did not take the easy road. Looking back that is how everything in my life pretty much mapped out... down the easy road. 

6 months later I have added some additional programs to my fitness collection. I haven't completed all of them because honestly sometimes life just happens and I get caught up in it and forget how could I feel when I'm on point with working out and nutrition. I am back to my basics right now. I've been bouncing between a weight range of 169 and 178 because I lacked consistency. I never knew it's importance until now. I am currently doing 21 day fix and I will be doing 21 day fix extreme when this round is over because I refuse to go backwards again. I don't want any more start overs, any more do overs. I am over all of that.

I haven't reached my goal weight yet. I have a lot of work to do because I spent so much time lacking consistency. It's going to take some time still to reach my goals, all of my goals. Why?  I still struggle!!! I struggle every single day!! I am overweight, but no longer obese. I am a size 12 and I want to be a 6. I still see those HIPS. I love junk food, I love sitting around and sometimes I really hate the idea of working out! I still compare myself to others who have gotten better and faster results Only now I am teaching myself to get out of that easy road frame of mind. I am learning to "turn on the blinders" so I can focus on what I can do and what I will do. For me this has been about so much more than nutrition and fitness. This is really a mental challenge and has given me clarity. I am a definite work in progress but I don't look at myself and see everything that is wrong, I see a lot of what is right. I am so much more positive than I have been in a long time. I have bad days and they can get the better of me for a short time but they don't consume me anymore. 

We are for the first time since right after we got married, a single income family. We live paycheck to paycheck. I'm not embarrassed to say it, it's just what is until what i'm working on takes off. I still pay for Shakeology every single month. Adam, now drinks Shakeology every day as well. So starting here in May I will have to buy 2 bags of Shakeology every month. I know the struggle of being able to afford Shakeology. We don't get any assistance and sometimes we live very very tightly. But the thing is, that it is about priorities. I spend time every day learning about nutrition and how to fuel my body right. I know that Shakeology is the healthiest meal I can eat and it's design is not for the focus of weight loss, it's to fill in nutritional gaps to help me live better. Why wouldn't I want to pay for that no matter what the cost?? I also work it into my budget. I know that Shakeology is something I will have every day for the rest of forever. It'll outlast a mortgage for me! It's not short term, it's not just for now until I hit my goal weight. I know that by taking care of my nutrition and by adding in the workout so that my body lasts a long time it's the best way I can take care of my daughter. I refuse to ever let her view herself how I've viewed myself. She will not think in terms of pounds, she will think in terms of health. She will grow up knowing all she needs to about the right kinds of foods and she will be active and smart. 

I feel like there are a thousand more things I could tell you. Ways for me to dig deeper, give more details and tell longer stories. I think at this point or I at least I hope at this point, you get that I've spent over 20 years being uncomfortable in my own skin. I made the best change I possibly could for myself but I am human, I will still have setbacks and I will continue to struggle with food for the rest of my life because I'm programmed that way. But it's all ok, it's all me and because I have to learn to forget about the easy road my  journey is just taking a little longer.  That's the thing though, it's a journey. A lifetime journey. Thanks for reading!!